Have you ever been afraid of death?

Yes, I have many times. Every time I heard someone dies, I’m afraid myself. So will my turn come sooner or later? Will I have a chance to see my daughter grow up? Will I have a chance to have another child and see them grow up? Will I have a chance to get old together with my husband to see our children grow up and have their own families, and we also have a chance to see our grandchildren grow up? I’m really afraid I don’t have much chance. Sometimes I can’t imagine how people can leave or be left by their beloved ones when they died. How they can cope with their feeling, when they can’t see their beloved ones anymore, can’t send love, can’t touch, or can’t talk to them. How painful..

Sometimes, when I look at my beloved husband and daughter, I’m really afraid and sad, how if suddenly I die? Or perhaps, how if one of us die. I can’t imagine, how painful it is. Three of us are one. And two of them are the closest people in my life. It’s like I have only both of them in my life. So it will be really heartbreaking to leave or be left by them.

Well actually there’s a reason for this fear. I don’t feel quite well lately. It was started, when I had back pain about 4 months ago. I already had it massaged many times, but it did’t get better. Then, I went to a quite well known masseur in this town, to fix my twist (I thought). But he said that it’s not a twist, there’s something wrong with my heart. He said I didn’t need to be panic because it’s not a heart disease, it’s just a disorder. So he suggested me to exercise regularly at least 30 minutes a day, and drank tomato-carrot juice as therapy. Well I can do the latter, but for exercise, I don’t know, it’s quite hard, since I don’t have much time for it (that actually I have). Since then, I tried to be positive. I tried not to think that I really had heart problem. But I couldn’t hold myself not to google what happens actually with myself. And I found out that all symptoms I felt in my body, like back, shoulder, chest, arm, hand pains, matched with the heart disease symptoms. And I was too afraid to see doctor, just to make sure. I just had my blood checked, and I was surprised that 5 components like cholesterol, Hemoglobin, triglyceride, uric acid, all normal. I wasn’t quite sure though with the result, since it’s not released by the trusted laboratory. And day by day, I felt that my body is weakening. Everytime I walk a bit far, I feel that I can’t breathe freely, it’s like there’s something push my chest. And sometimes, when I get stress, or when I get tired, it’s like I almost run out the oxygen. I remember, I had very frightening experience about three years ago. Perhaps, it had something to do with heart problem I have now. When I was walking in the market, which was not quite crowded at that time, with my husband, all of in sudden, I felt I barely could breathe, we stopped in the middle of the market, and many people helped us. I still could speak, but I felt my face turned pale, with no blood flow. I felt my heart almost stopped, my fingers and hands turned white and cramps, so that I couldn’t move them. I was really afraid at that time, but my husband kept holding and massaging my hands and face, so that I didn’t know how, I could move my body again. Since then, It never happened again.

Verily, my life and my death belong to You Allah, I surrender my self to You. But If I have a chance to live longer, please make me a better person, who will be faithful to you and to my beloved ones. Aameen..